Sunday, November 24, 2019
I am Peter
In Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes, Kenneth Bailey wondrously helps me enter Peter’s world. I had never “caught” that Jesus put himself in a posture or position of submission to Peter. Jesus’ “asking” Peter for help was, in terms of the social dynamics by which their world functioned, like putting himself in the position of a dependent servant. Jesus NEEDED Peter and his exhausted rowing skills to be able to teach the crowds for a couple extra hours before Peter could go to sleep. Granted, Peter owed Jesus one after Jesus had healed his mother in law. But, that only served to reinforce a relational connection between the two of them.
I had also never “caught” that that Peter would have been highly annoyed that some carpenter rabbi was telling a professional fisherman how to fish. Peter doesn’t respectfully say, “At your word, LORD, I will throw down the nets” so much as to sarcastically say something more like, “OK, BOSS, whatever you say.” Despite Peter’s attitude, Jesus entrusted himself to Peter, where Peter could have denied him or told him no.
I also didn’t know that finding a place in the lake where such a haul of fish could be found would basically make Peter into a rich man in a matter of weeks. Today, it’d be like winning the lotto. So, I never had the tools to realize that Peter’s exhaustion and annoyance at staying up for a couple more hours to help Jesus teach about God were extensions of the unfruitful work he had put in all night to fulfill his desire to be rich and secure. So, correspondingly, I also had no idea that Jesus’ call for Peter to be a “fisher of men” was an invitation to care about God and people more than the money that was suddenly readily available at his fingertips.
All of these elements of the story of The Call of Peter in Luke 5: 1-11 resonate with me deeply. Particularly in ways that only came together for me in prayer. In the presence of God, I was gracefully shocked with the realization that Peter's story is mine, too.
A scene from Andrei Tarkovsky's infamous film "Andrei Rublev."
I only ever got into nursing in the first place, because I felt like that’s what Jesus had asked me to do. Jesus asked me if he could use my boat. So, when I lost my first nursing job(s), here I was out in the water rowing and rowing for him, already exhausted. Begrudgingly thinking to myself, “Whatever you say, ‘Boss.’” My repeatedly working all night coming to nothing.
So, while taking a year off from nursing and working as a server, here I was learning to love people more than my security, status, and riches. The challenge to learning that lesson was my anger at unjust tippers while I served them.
The day after God taught me...in conjunction with my reading of the letter of 1 Peter about discipline beginning in the house of the Lord...from Colossians 3 about working to please God rather than man, as though working unto the Lord...Even when my “master’s” reward is unjust...Here I was randomly and nonsensically getting outrageously large tips for no reason from an angel I had never met before.
There I was a year later - ONLY by the grace of God - back to working as a nurse and making more money than I ever had as an architect.
In the midst of that was a stunningly gorgeous woman shockingly (to me) showing signs of sexual interest where I had just been enjoying her presence. A week later, here I am vulnerably submitting my new thoughts and feelings before her to reject or accept in the interest of a kind of relational connection that had been for a long time foreign to me.
Feeling overwhelmed at work by all the new the responsibility heaped on my plate to SERVE my patients and that threatened my vision of an easy, comfortable, restful life of status, I sent a "strongly worded email" to my bosses "suggesting" that we needed more staff. Peter's self-assertive “OK, BOSS, whatever you say" rightly described my attitude at the time. I got written up, lol. "Discipline begins in the house of the Lord." Those are, perhaps unironically, Peter's words. I helpfully found some more efficient ways to work, lol.
Soon after that was that one time when I suggested the family and I pray with my patient – who was obviously transitioning towards that stage where he would soon be actively dying. I had just recently started praying Psalm 23 every morning. His daughter had been frustrating me with how overbearing she was in her demands - again challenging my image of my easy, restful life - and here I was nearly sobbing as she prayed Psalm 23 by heart over her dying father, my tears of repentance falling on the patient’s arm as I bowed in prayer.
So, after all that, here I have been, kneeling at Jesus’ feet in reverent awe and fear all at once. “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!”
And, his response has been to lift me up and edify me in his freeing love. Building me up into a place of more responsibility rather than of fear, anxiety, and resentment over the burden of care. As he then says to Peter: "I will make you a fisher of men." And, just as Peter couldn't imagine where that would lead him, the image above from "Andrei Rublev" is Peter and I rowing through fog towards an unknown horizon with Jesus, who asks us to entrust ourselves to him as we continue on our journey with him.
I had also never “caught” that that Peter would have been highly annoyed that some carpenter rabbi was telling a professional fisherman how to fish. Peter doesn’t respectfully say, “At your word, LORD, I will throw down the nets” so much as to sarcastically say something more like, “OK, BOSS, whatever you say.” Despite Peter’s attitude, Jesus entrusted himself to Peter, where Peter could have denied him or told him no.
I also didn’t know that finding a place in the lake where such a haul of fish could be found would basically make Peter into a rich man in a matter of weeks. Today, it’d be like winning the lotto. So, I never had the tools to realize that Peter’s exhaustion and annoyance at staying up for a couple more hours to help Jesus teach about God were extensions of the unfruitful work he had put in all night to fulfill his desire to be rich and secure. So, correspondingly, I also had no idea that Jesus’ call for Peter to be a “fisher of men” was an invitation to care about God and people more than the money that was suddenly readily available at his fingertips.
All of these elements of the story of The Call of Peter in Luke 5: 1-11 resonate with me deeply. Particularly in ways that only came together for me in prayer. In the presence of God, I was gracefully shocked with the realization that Peter's story is mine, too.
A scene from Andrei Tarkovsky's infamous film "Andrei Rublev."
So, while taking a year off from nursing and working as a server, here I was learning to love people more than my security, status, and riches. The challenge to learning that lesson was my anger at unjust tippers while I served them.
The day after God taught me...in conjunction with my reading of the letter of 1 Peter about discipline beginning in the house of the Lord...from Colossians 3 about working to please God rather than man, as though working unto the Lord...Even when my “master’s” reward is unjust...Here I was randomly and nonsensically getting outrageously large tips for no reason from an angel I had never met before.
There I was a year later - ONLY by the grace of God - back to working as a nurse and making more money than I ever had as an architect.
In the midst of that was a stunningly gorgeous woman shockingly (to me) showing signs of sexual interest where I had just been enjoying her presence. A week later, here I am vulnerably submitting my new thoughts and feelings before her to reject or accept in the interest of a kind of relational connection that had been for a long time foreign to me.
Feeling overwhelmed at work by all the new the responsibility heaped on my plate to SERVE my patients and that threatened my vision of an easy, comfortable, restful life of status, I sent a "strongly worded email" to my bosses "suggesting" that we needed more staff. Peter's self-assertive “OK, BOSS, whatever you say" rightly described my attitude at the time. I got written up, lol. "Discipline begins in the house of the Lord." Those are, perhaps unironically, Peter's words. I helpfully found some more efficient ways to work, lol.
Soon after that was that one time when I suggested the family and I pray with my patient – who was obviously transitioning towards that stage where he would soon be actively dying. I had just recently started praying Psalm 23 every morning. His daughter had been frustrating me with how overbearing she was in her demands - again challenging my image of my easy, restful life - and here I was nearly sobbing as she prayed Psalm 23 by heart over her dying father, my tears of repentance falling on the patient’s arm as I bowed in prayer.
So, after all that, here I have been, kneeling at Jesus’ feet in reverent awe and fear all at once. “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!”
And, his response has been to lift me up and edify me in his freeing love. Building me up into a place of more responsibility rather than of fear, anxiety, and resentment over the burden of care. As he then says to Peter: "I will make you a fisher of men." And, just as Peter couldn't imagine where that would lead him, the image above from "Andrei Rublev" is Peter and I rowing through fog towards an unknown horizon with Jesus, who asks us to entrust ourselves to him as we continue on our journey with him.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
