The Golden Ass

One day the great King Bob woke up with a neck ache and a sinus headache. Appropriately, then, the land awoke covered in gloomy coulds with no sign of sunlight. He though to himself: "Hhhmmm...this sinus headache isn't that bad. I'll just eat some breakfast and then it'll probably go away." Correspondingly, the people though: "If only the King's sinus headache will go away, then we will see the sun!"

After some sugar on his cinnamon buns and some fat free white water...err...milk...for breakfast...sure enough the sinus headache of the great Kin Bob only got worse. But in also drinking some O.J. with his breakfast he began to become conscious of an uncomfortable sensation in one of his nostrils. There seemed to be an uncomfortable foreign object lodged in the great King's nose that did not belong! So he marched upstairs to unsheath his weapon of choice for the great war to come. The coming war was so great that it might be termed a quest, and the weapon of choice had the glistening and purifying whiteness of a q-tip. At stake was no less than the health of the great King, sunlight falling on the land, and happiness in the hearts of the people!

So the great King Bob unsheathed his q-tip and went to battle with the pesky booger. If only he could dislodge this one gargantuan booger, he thought, then it would clear his nasal passages for proper drainage, thus eventually ending this epic battle in his favor. The land could have its sun, the people their sunlight, and he his health.

So he dug and dug and rotated and clawed with the pruity of the whiteness of the cotton q-tip. He withdrew the q-tip and observed with intense purpose. Was this the great booger that plages the land? But alas...he had only unearthed a small little peion booger...not the real problem. His frustration increased and his headache reamined. But his resolve strengthened!! He resolved to learn better q-tipping techniques. As he dug and dug unsucessfully more and more times, he learned better and better q-tipping technique. He learned by failure; with each unsuccessful dig...leaving only a little green meaningless booger with a small bit of yellow snot to blot out only a small bit of the glistening pure whiteness of the q-tip...he grew steadily closer to finding the proper relationship between the digging, clawing, twisting, and turning of the q-tip in order to remove the dreaded Great Booger from its circumstantial location (for alas, if the Great Booger were to find a different location in the nostril, then a different combination of digging, clawing, twisting and turning would be required).

Finally the Great Booger was removed and the nostril could return to the enjoyment of its originally natural and comfortable nostrillage. As it sat on the end of the previously glistening white q-tip, then king admired it with great awe and wonder. How was THAT in MY nose! Surely THIS will mean the end of this great war! This great quest! Surely THIS will mean sunlight throught the land, happiness in the hearts of the people, and health in the body of the King! When the diffused light of the couldy day combined with the light over the mirror of the bathroom fell upon the great thumnail-sized dried-up booger sitting on the tip of the great King Bob's unsheathed q-tip and as the great King contemplated the Quest, he decided to give the booger a name. It needed a name. After all, it was truly important. This booger meant so much!! Thus in its glistening yellowness it was dubbed "The Golden Booger."

But there was a problem. The great king still had his headache. Five minutes went by, and then ten. And the headache remained. Twenty and then thirty. The headache even dared to grow worse. There was no sunlight over the land, and the people grew even more weary and dim-witted...and emotionally drained as well over all the energy that was being put into this great Quest. After all...the boogers return!! Who do you think goes to the grocery store to buy the q-tips!! Why...its the people!! And on top of that, who keeps the stock of q-tips available in the grocery store!! Why its the people!! After a day of war with the ever-returning booger, the toll of this great war...the price of clear sinuses for the king...was becoming too much to bear.

So alas a specialist was called in. With great hesitation, reverence and fear Dr. Booger Eater (of course this is not his real name but instead was the genius of a catchy marketing campaign) approached the throne of King Bob. King Bob explained the story of his war with the Golden Booger to date, and the noble Dr. Eater had a quick and immediate response.

"Good and honorable King Bob, please do pardon me, but you are approaching this war the complete wrong way! You must approach the Sinus Headache scientifically! It is not a monster to be feared. There are no spirits to be fought. You need not name its boogers. They don't need to be called out of the darkness and brought into the light for you to be healed. This is a very practical matter. And above all, I need not sympathize with your Headachimus Neckachimus. Here. Here's a prescription. Have one of your little dwarfs run to the pharmacy and get you some Tylenol sinus and some Claritin HD. Take one Claritin and two of the Tylenol and call me in the morning with a report. You were approaching this thing with far too much superstition. I assure you, my science and my medicine will have you healed by the morning. The land will see the sun and the people will see their happiness. Great King Bob, I honour you but I need not sympathize with your headache to not have my happiness when you do have your headache."

The Great King Bob was not only honorable but humble. He nodded and said thank you to the Dr. Booger Eater and sent him on his way. He sent one of his people to the store immediately in order to fulfill the Doctor's orders...

When he awoke the next morning, the Great King Bob still had his sinus headache!! He was furious, the land was without sunlight, and the people were sad! King Bob called in the Doctor and forced him against the gift of his own free will to eat all the great Golden Boogers that had been dislodged from the Great King Bob's nostril in the last couple of days (17 glistening Golden Boogers to be exact). Dr. Booger Eater cired when he heard the orders, but he carried them out dutifully.

Next, the Great King Bob called in another specialist. Preacher Joe approached the great throne and said, "Hey Bob, how 'ya doin'?" Bob said, "Not good neighbor Joe. I've had this sinus headache for a while now. The land is without sunlight, the people without happiness, and I without a clear head, so to speak. I have been waging war for a while now. With some help from me, my generals have called it Operation Godlen Booger. Can you help me? Can you help, bring sunlight back to the land, happiness and bright wit back to the people, and also to resstore world peace as well?"

Well, Bob, I think maybe the world peace thing is kinda up to you. You're the one waging the war. For that I'd say just end the war. As for the sinus headache, I'd say just take a nap, get up and eat a good healthy Christmas dinner with your family. Laugh, love, enjoy life and be at peace with your boogers. After all, just as there will always be thorns and thistles in the earth, there will always be boogers in the nostril. If you can be at peace with your Booger, then there will be sulnight in the land, happiness in the hearts of the people (after all, you had been laughing at dinner, correct?), and health in your body (I guaranteee it!)."

"Thanks Joe. I'll call you after dinner and let you know the latest."

So the King had his people prepare the prescribed meal for Christmas dinner and invited Preach Joe and his family to join them. He ate and laughed at his Golden Boogers...his ornery Generals...even at his great headache (which must remain un-named) . He ate until his tummy was bloated and he had to unbotten the button on his pants. He laughted until his cheeks hurt. And he loved his family with his Preacher Joe and his family on Christmas day. As he plopped happily on his throne after a Great Dinner of breaking bread with his family, it suddenly "dawned" on him that his headache was gone!! He went to bed hopeful. So the families of Preacher Joe and King Bob said good night and hugged.

Surely enough there was sunlight on the land the next morning!! The people were happy and the great King Bob was healthy. The people were more light-witted, but no one to this day knows the exact connection between Preacher Joe's prescription and the resulting health of the land, the people and the King. But regardless, with great joy and haste...without bothering to get someone else to do it for him, King Bob called Preacher Joe first thing in the morning to share with him the Good News. "HEY MERRY CHRISTMAS JOE......"

And so the story goes :) Merry Christmas!

Jason Hesiak