The Golden Ass

Today I came across a few funny blogs that explore the kiss through the mouth of the philosopher and the theologian. The ones that I have here posted were very sensual for me (brought laughter). I have provided some of my favorites, as well as the link at which I found them, for your pleasure. At the end you will get a glimps of some of my own kiss-life:

From Cynthia Nielsen's blog:

Aristotelian kiss. A kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss. Dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss. The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Gödelian kiss. A kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Socratic kiss. Really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss. A kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss. A kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss. A kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss. A formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Pythagorean kiss. A kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and copy them.

Cartesian kiss. A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss. A hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss. "She/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Zenoian kiss. Your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.


Piggybacking on Cynthia's various kisses, another link:
Note: Some are from the comments secion, hence the doubles.


Augustine: You awaken me to delight in your mouth, and my lips are restless until they’re kissing you.

Luther: If the Word of God tells me to kiss, then I will kiss—and let the pope, the world and the devil be damned!

Adolf von Harnack: Jesus’ own simple teaching about kissing was immediately eclipsed by the early Christians’ Hellenistic approach to kissing.

Karl Barth: “I kiss you.” There are three related problems to consider here. I kiss you. I kiss you. I kiss you.

Hans Urs von Balthasar: Kissing is not only true and good, but it is beautiful.

Hans Küng: The Church’s approach to kissing is in urgent need of the most radical and most far-reaching reform.

Wolfhart Pannenberg: One’s first kiss is a proleptic anticipation of all that is still to come.

N. T. Wright: Every kiss is a dramatic enactment of our return from exile.

Billy Graham: Will you walk down the aisle and kiss me tonight? Will you do it tonight? You many never have another chance—you might be dead tomorrow!

Calvin: Even though you don't deserve me, I chose to kiss you.

Jurgen Moltmann: A kiss is a present promise [ring] of the future hope [for marriage].

Thomas Aquinas: "There are five ways to prove the existence of a kiss...."

Stanley Hauerwas: "In the community established upon the principle of nonviolence, the question 'whom should I kiss' never arises - since to refuse to kiss is itself an act of violence. We kiss not because Jesus recommended it, but because in Jesus we discover that God is a kisser. So you'd all better damn well pucker up."

Meister Eckhart: I kiss God and God kisses me. We kiss with the same lips.

Thomas Aquinas: Kissing is an occasion of lust unless it is the custom of the country.

Anselmian Kiss: The kiss that than which a greater cannot be conceived.


Now, from this third and final link:

Ignatius of Antioch: I can’t wait to kiss those lions!

Justin Martyr: Greek kisses and Jewish kisses were preparations for The Kiss.

Irenaeus: Those ridiculous Gnostics have invented 30 crazy ways to kiss and not one of them is the True Kiss.

Tertullian: There will be no kissing! But I can provide you with a whole new Latin vocabulary on the subject.


Some of my own kisses:

Derridaian: There is nothing so far outside the kiss that it can kiss the kiss. You will, however, continue to try and kiss the kiss, but you will find that there is no Grand Kisser kissing you so all that will be left with is each individual kiss as a closed signifier of the kisser's love for the kissee. A kiss with Derrida is like following the funny trick of a kid who doesn't really exist but who wants you to kiss his bubbles as he blows them.

Sextus Empricus: "I know I'm sexy while sunbathing nude, but you're bothering me. Stop trying to kiss me. You won't be able to anyway."

Dionysius the Aeropigate: "You will best learn how to kiss me by not doing so."

Aristotelian: The great power of the potential of a kiss actualized in a temporal and spacial moment.

Wittgensteinian: A silent kiss, with your eyes closed.

Martin Bumerian: I kiss thou. I kiss me. Thou kiss me. Thou kiss thou. We're a happy family...living in The Same House without walls or dimensions.

Platonic: Every kiss is a mere shadow of the ideal Kiss. So the all poets must immediately stop kissing; meanwhile the philosopher king may kiss away, with temperence, but he will know that he will never really kiss.

Sarteian: You just start kissing whoever's available, but you may never learn nothing about the essential kiss.

Pythagorian: A kiss with someone with whom you can suddenly afterwards tell has already kissed like everyone whose ever lived since him in the West, but you realize that most of them probably either missed it or forgot about it, even though it was so Ground breaking. The ones who remembered you find now to be the best kissers.

Meister Eckhart: "The best kiss is while she is whispering sweet Nothings in my ear. "

Descartian: A kiss with the ugly (in your own estimation) chick whose lipstick is all over you and you can't really remember everything that happened, but you wonder what you must have done! Soon your friends barge in the room and start screaming at you about it...You feel lost and you doubt your ability to decide whether to get out of the bed entirely or kiss her again on the forehead as a concialatory gesture.

Focault: Descartes secret boyfriend who only visits between midnight and five a.m.

John Locke: "It appears that everyone is kissing. It must be a good idea."

Lyotard: "Just cause everyone else is kissing doesn't make it a good idea."

Jaques Lacan: "It's almost as if my eventual kissee is staring at me in a blank mirror."

Freud: "All kissing is sexual."

Heisenbergian: You kiss everyone at the party just to make sure you've covered all your first bases...and just when you think you're finally done, Heisenberg rings the doorbell.

Newton: "Can anyone find the doorbell? There's gotta be a front door to this party where I can kiss Jason."

Einstein: "Look dude-man, there's no front door! You're already at the party! And see, everyone's kissing each other."

Louis XIV: "Welcome to the party! Kiss me!"

Copernicus: "Whowah, dude man. I think I just stepped outside the party for a second."

Neitche: "We didn't have any real reason to kiss. We just did it 'cause we wanted to."

Zeno the Stoic: A very passionless kiss in which we approached slowly over thousands of years, and then turned and walked away from each other just as slowly.

Neo Platonic: Each kiss on one part of the body is a mere glimpse of the great Smooch of Giant Lips as if on the whole body at one great burst of a lack of sensation.

Unitarian: "What's a kiss?"

Zen Buddahist: The substance of a kiss might just as well be a smack as far as the kiss is concerned, so watch out. But if you actually choose to kiss someone, do it very compassionatley, while suspended in mid air.

Marshall McLuhanesque: A kiss that's all about atmosphere, some candles, some good mood music...to set the tone. Once in the mood for kissing, the kiss becomes an extension of that loving fragment of yourself out onto another's lips.

John Howard Yoderian: Not a very ruccous kiss, but controversial. Even amidst the controversy, however, its a quiet and peaceful kiss outside a restaurant in a public square while waiting for our eternal table. Love is an embodied presence in our kiss. Others walk by and say, "Now, that's true love!"

Moses: "Thou shalt not kiss thy neighbor's kissing parner."

Pentacostal: Lots of tongues with lots of feeling.

Baptist: No tongue! But underwater in the hot tub is fine.

Methodist: No tongue! But in a shower with very little water pressure is fine.

Catholic: "What, you don't want to kiss me anymore? What happened? Did I lose my appeal? Are you mad at me? I think there's been some misunderstanding!"

Emergent: "Can't we all just kiss and make up?"

John the Revelator: "The real Kiss is with a sword of flames!"

:)~