The Golden Ass

One day we’re all going to march into the oval office and demand that Bush reverse the military budget with the poverty budget. Then we’re going to go to the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial, and turn it red. We will plant a sign in the middle of the pool that reads “This is the color of the blood of all people.” Then we’ll go to Los Angeles. There we will paint the red “Virgin Records” sign white, and place a marble statue of the Virgin Mary on top of the building. Then we will go to the white Capital Records building, paint the white “Capital Records” sign brown (along with the building), and place a big huge wooden cross at the top of the building. Then we will paint the cross white with red blood-stains in the appropriate places. Then we will go to Africa. There we will give all the orphaned children, the “colored” folks that Americans don’t care about (the color brown, by coincidence only), a great feast, instructing them to eat all they want. Then we will put all the crumbs that fell on the hard African dirt into a big basket, and return, basket in hand, to the oval office. We will place the basket before the president on his desk, with a sign on the side of the basket that reads “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the master’s table.”

The next morning we will write a letter to all the teachers of modern biological sciences in the grade schools. These are the people who teach our children. When we arrive in the class room, letter in hand, we will interrupt a class dissection of a fetal pig, while the teacher will be explaining the importance and value in cutting up dead animals that men may attain knowledge and mastery over the universe. The letter will give news of the previous days events, and it will also explain the symbolic value of all the actions we did. The teacher will read the letter, with mouth a-gape, especially astonished at the end when explaining the symbols, and will not understand. For this teacher, all symbols have lost value and meaning, since symbols are mysterious and things only have logical, rational and measurable meaning. Symbols do not readily or usefully lend themselves to our scientific mastery over the universe.

In her astonishment, the teacher will faint. We will then rush to the principle’s office, with both the letter and a fetal pig (just to explain to the principle what happened, why the teacher fainted and the circumstances behind the tragedy). The principle, reading the letter, will also have his mouth a-gape. But he will enjoy it immensely, and his eyes will come alive with light and joy. He will then suddenly gaze upon the dead and battered pig with compassion and love. He will pray over the pig, and the pig will come back to life, and be healed of all its wounds. It will run back to the classroom, and while laughing at the poor fainted teacher, climb on top of her so that the children will hear better what he’s about to say. He will then shout, with great joy and satisfaction, the announcement of the Lazerene miracle that just took place. The students, studious as they are, will stop the dissections that they are still in the middle of, take the same pity on all of their own pigs, pray over them, and they will all come to life, singing for joy.

At this point the principle will rush into the room, and seeing all the pigs alive and singing, will himself break out into song to God. All the pigs will then jump out of their dissection pans and onto the floor, and make their way down the halls, singing. The first pig will climb down from atop the teacher, following them, also in song. Then all the students will follow the pigs down the halls, also singing along. Then the teacher will wake up, puzzled at the empty room.

The pigs will lead the way all the way back to the oval office, followed by the students, then the principle, then us who originally handed the letter of the previous days events to the teacher. For the whole rest of the day, on into the night, the pigs, students and principle will march to the oval office, singing praises to God. They will arrive the next morning explaining to the president what has happened. The principle, smiling with overwhelming joy, will then hand the letter to the president (who was himself part of the events the first time), explaining how the whole pig-raising got started. The president, in the presence of the pigs, the students, and the principle, will then read letter. On his desk will still be the basket full of crumbs that reads “Even the dogs eat the crumbs from the masters table.”

This time, astonished, the president will actually decide to reverse the budget for the military and for ending poverty. In joy, the president will lead the principle, pigs, student, and us to the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial, all the while singing praises to God. In the beautiful light of the descending sun, the pigs will jump into the water, swim over to the middle, retrieve the sign that read “This is the color of all people,” and hand it to the president. The president will smile, and instruct everyone to make 34,000 bottles of water out of the contents of the reflecting pool. Turns out, exactly that much, no less and no more, perfectly fits into the bottles and empties the pool.

On the third day, us, the president, the principle, and the pigs, will all go back to Africa, taking with them both the basket of crumbs and the bottles of water. We will all give to the 34,000 children that would have died that day of hunger and thirst both a bottle of water and a great feast (again) with everything they ever desired (all contained in the basket). Written in white letters on the sides of the water bottles is the phrase “You are the salt of the earth.” Now written on the side of the basket, in red letters, is the phrase “You will never hunger again.”